The first paycheck & post-graduate loss
I really went through it this summer, honestly. Graduation came and went, and I'm sitting here yearning for that last year to repeat itself. I shared a roof with some incredible people, one of them being my partner, and I felt content with staying there. I really came to love the campus, city centre, and people there.
So, naturally, being faced with the stresses of moving everything out and the subsequent job hunt, I lost it. I didn't want to go back home and get into that whole rat race; dance monkey to the corporate body whose listed vacancies don't even exist - because shareholders are freaky and like to see companies expand, grow big and round, pat their big oily bellies, meanwhile the companies themselves don't even want to hire anyone. Those listings remain intentionally dormant, and we're performing tricks thinking we have a shot. I knew I should've used my time outside of my studies more deliberately, but without a clear ambition I didn't even know what to do. That whole job hunt killed me, really. And I knew my heart clung to the visual arts, but my motivation totally dwindled because of everything else happening. And I knew my heart clung to the friendships I had made, but work keeps us busy and our homes keep us apart.
But that's just how it goes. We all have a place to return to.
It's a weird feeling of absence for me. I never integrated myself super deeply into any groups, I kind of just hoped I'd be invited along. On campus, there was a Thursday bar meetup for a bunch of Psychology students, which included my partner and housemates. Turned out, the people there liked my company too, and I had some zingers when I felt content with being perceived. I felt like I belonged to that group despite simultaneously feeling like an outsider, and I miss them all so much. I love my friends back home too, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like an outlier; I reckon I'd be more boring to them sober, and the only times we ever meet up nowadays are to get pissed. I miss true female companionship, skype calls afterschool with the girls - agenda: AMVs and nightcore. But I let all my girlfriends go back in highschool and now that I've demystified men-kind, I realise what a loss I created for myself. Everyone has their friends for life now. My best friend is an ocean away and I'm repulsed by the touch of anyone else but him.
I sought out therapy (again) but this time, after my therapist walked me through combatting my high expectations of myself, I confessed I couldn't accept my recent positive development because of how fast I relapse. She immediately discussed our plan going forward to prevent that, and explained that the reason I do is because the core issue only becomes dormant, striking when I'm at a vulnerable point in my life again. Checks out. I do hope I can stop the cycle of leaving and returning.
Finally getting a job provided some stability which, in turn, provided some peace to my head. I get along well with the team, have adjusted to the major roles quickly, and there's enough quiet time that the boredom somehow churns through my body and spits itself out as a couple sketches per shift. Sleep has been easier, I come home too knackered to let myself indulge in my own failings, and the days off taste a bit sweeter. My partner and I are long-distance until he can cross the ocean again for his masters, but I have my flight booked to spend my New Years with him and his family. My pay check for this month has arrived, and I'm mulling over what to get each family member for Christmas with a rich enthusiasm. My room is a bit cleaner.
I'm not all the way there yet, and it's this very thinking that has stopped me from really feeling satisfied with the positive shifts in my life. But I can admit that I'm in a better place than where I was.
Reply via email! ✰ First published 10/10/2024 and last modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago.