Theme tweaks after a hiatus; let's be moody
That's how it goes, isn't it? I wouldn't be too concerned by my departure from my comfort green (I do a crap enough job at overhauls, you might find a slither of grass between the concrete), nor my choice to let red (anger, blood, passion, grrr, and so on) stay. If I wanted this blog to perfectly match my other islands across the internet then I very well could but I wanted this place to be monotone. I think it makes sense for the kind of space I want to make it and red is what tethers me to this space, no matter how I change it.
Not like my visual identity is a pocketful of sunshine anyway, I chew on that grunge and spit it out between each meal. The grunge is my meal, all of them. Grunge toast (you guessed it, wholemeal AND burnt because that's so crazy of me), grunge sardie no gherkins, grunge kiev and when I slice it open the grunge oil just-- Ah fuck, FUCK, fuck... All over my-- You dumb cunt (perhaps targeted towards self, perhaps towards the kiev, or distributed between us evenly because perhaps this is a bias-free zone), this scent is never going to leave.
Regardless of my bitter language and moody set-dressing, I'm quite laidback and maybe I pride myself on it too much (I've developed a really big vulnerability issue but I don't know if I want to confront it yet) and I'm absolutely in one of the happiest times of my life right now. But what I've also noticed is that I feel more comfortable being... A little bit of a bitch. I hate that word, to be honest, there's obviously the whole... (makes a big circular gesture to imply "misogyny") But I also find it simply outdated, maybe a bit infantile. Like someone telling you a joke passing it off as original but you heard it years ago. Nevertheless, I use it here because I realise I've let my more critical side out to the point where I could easily be interpreted as, quite simply, a fucking bitch.
For a while after my last relationship, I tried really hard to tame myself as to prove I wasn't inherently volatile or angry. I'm grateful I didn't actually have to try very hard because, yeah, I'm not really volatile or angry. Still, I have some shame embedded within me whenever I let myself get particularly pissy. Nowadays, I approach being openly negative through a "can I be fucked to deal with the consequences?" and "does it do more harm to someone else than it provides satisfaction to me?" index (think of, like, X and Y axis'), which is a good way to describe my mutual interest in both self-preservation and exercising some sympathy for others.
I'm not all the way there yet, but I've been more comfortable with the idea of negativity as intrinsic human nature. I mean, duh, but in the sense that my own expression of it won't always hurt others. Sometimes, I just want to say shit and own my negative view of something or someone and sometimes it doesn't need to blow up to be a big thing so long as I don't let that negativity fester into something legitimately harmful. I think a lot of us are quite averse to this logic because social media in its current form feasts on negativity. That itch is unwavering. You just have to correct someone or be upset or feel hopeless or feel disgust. Negativity is the chain which binds us, in one way or another.
Is that then a reason to reject it entirely? Nah. I'm going to vent to my husband in brief messages about a rapper I hate for no serious reason, shake my fist at stupid legislations, roll my eyes behind the back of a customer I'll never see eye to eye with (probably never see again), admit I don't like something it feels like everyone likes, bitch and moan about a specific word, write extended pieces about becoming unapologetically critical. I've got a long way to go until I can comfortably cry again, and I need to watch myself before I stray too far into "moody is French chic" territory but for now a healthy symbiosis has been formed between the Me that's so incredibly pissed off and the Me that loves living and loves loving.
I am as moody as I am laidback as I am joyous. It just so happens that, on this specific island on the internet, black and white make the most sense to me.
Edited 1 hour, 37 minutes ago