Let me be incorporeal for a bit
I'm feeling tense. Thought I'd say whatever here just for the sake of getting it out, and then maybe reaching something close to a resolution. Maybe. The first half of this blog is some general rambling, but later develops into discussion of my game, Girl the Goblin. Very important content warning for mentions of mental health, self harm, drug use, etc. for this reason, you shouldn't be able to find this blog post on the Bear discovery lol.
My sleep schedule has shifted back to 5am sleep, 2pm wake up. Really hoping I can change that. I think I've subconsciously shifted to that because of the current time difference between Fletcher and I, but it wasn't this bad over the Summer. Granted, Summer I had a job, but I've got obligations here. They're just not tied to a structure. So I need to create more structure in my day right?
Tomorrow, I move back into my house in Norwich. I have two main obligations: my summative (a 25 page screenplay adaptation), and some posts + presentation for the Burlesque society. I'll have access to the library, and I've been wanting to get out at least once a day, so going to the library daily is going to help. Change in environment, an environment dedicated to work. I have planners and paper and a keyboard to flesh out plans, break them down into little To-Dos. I need to make sure I commit to those.
It's normal for me to become a shell over the winter, to rot in my bed and doom scroll and wonder, "if I'm not heroin chic levels of glamorously depressed, loosely holding a blunt with scarred arms, then what am I here for?" That kind of mindset is terrible, but it unfortunately plagues me when I'm alone, (which is also why I can't sleep at night without a long form video playing) I was terrible the summer I almost ended it all, 2022, but there was a weird comfort at the time too. I held a lot of shame and hid my scars, but when they faded and future scars healed faster, I felt like my battle was unseen, unjustified.
Again, terrible headspace. While I lament not being visibly on the brink of ending everything, I haven't harmed myself this Winter. Unfortunately, the only reason I haven't is because I've been fatigued. The main reason I've been fatigued, alongside terrible sleep, is lack of eating. It's not all bad, though, because I have faith that moving back will help revitalise my lost sense of me. But that constant romanticising of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, has also inspired me. More or less.
I've been struggling to figure out the "story" for Girl the Goblin. I knew I wanted it to be abstract, and polysemic. But I also knew I wanted the development to be cathartic.
When I made the banner, the tagline, "5 minutes no substances," was meant to be a gag at the fact that the promotional material was all taken while high, and my insistence to Fletcher than I needed to find another blunt soon or else I'd freak. But whenever I tried to elaborate on that premise, it felt like I was appropriating the struggle of dependency, because I don't really have much of a relationship with drugs to begin with. I'm on antidepressants, but I'm inconsistent, and I don't really like the image of an alcoholic, and have never touched a cigarette, and that blunt was from a friend I rarely see, because he studies in Nottingham, so even that is a once in a blue moon.
Then, as I revaluated my headspace, I realised I had a story, and some semblance of a message. My struggle is nothing like the people who legitimately struggle with substance, but the protagonist is victim to Hollywood imagery of it, and the internet-brewed notion that if you're not deep enough in the shit then you're not in there at all. So, Girl the Goblin is shifting away from substance, because the focus needs to be on depression and how media can invalidate it by romanticising the worst instances of it, with substance being a sub factor to it. This then revokes my ability to misrepresent a large problem, and gives me leverage to focus on something that I actually have experience with: being a literal shell of a person, stinky, hormonal, erratic, uninspired. The moral: you are not a martyr, please don't doom yourself to it.
In a previous blog post about the project, I said:
The Feminine Grasp for Substance
I don't think I'm the most intellectual person to discuss this, but that phrase for me is polysemic:
Substance as something
Something as substance
Substance(s) (sometimes)
I still don't quite know how to explain it, but this phrasing still rings true. What matters now is that I'm aware of what lines I shouldn't tread when writing the rest of the game out. Speak only my truth, don't be a part of the problem.
Reply via email! ✰ First published 06/01/2024 and last modified 1 year, 5 months ago.